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[personal profile] asondeiru
I dug up one of the stories from my (dark) days of boyband fanfiction writing... and holy shit, was it painful. Not in a "I can't believe I wrote this, my self-esteem hurts" kind of way, but in a "I can't believe I wrote this SHIT" kind of way (if that makes any sense at all). ^_^() However, I read it through to the end. Not sure why, just did. And now, out of boredom and for my amusement and entertainment, I'm going to sum up the story and comment a bit on what I was thinking at the time, but mostly tear it to shreads. Think of it as DVD commentary for a movie that sucked too badly to be on DVD in the first place. ;)

First, I want to say that this is a far cry from the original plot. The original plot called for our main character ("Cindy", which was later changed to "Catherine"... and was so totally a Mary Sue that it's not even funny. This story has FIVE Mary Sues. *dies*) to have her sight lost due to an acid burn to the eyes. Essentially, she and Howie have a rocky and unstable relationship, and it's through this tragedy that they learn what they really are to one another. Before you make fun of my terrible plot device, I would like to remind you that I was fourteen. That shit's tragic, if contrived. I think the story would have been better if I'd have kept that as a driving force in the story--it would have had something resembling a plot. However, a friend (whose influence on the story is a driving force in the whole endeavor, and the cause of some of the story's worst parts) insisted that was too terrible and sad, and should therefore be changed. To appease her, I did. The story began without its plot, and after awhile I wasn't even interested in finishing it; the only reason I actually wrote on to something resembling an ending was due to the urging of the same friend who told me my plot sucked.

Now that the (all-too-lengthy) preamble is over, on to the Cliff's Notes version. Mind you, this is the first time these stories have seen light, and this is not even the actual prose. I won't subject you to that shit.

Lucky LJ readers. ;)

(seriously, that's the title... comes complete with a quote from Hanson's I Will Come to You. Terrible, huh?)

- bad exposition. Howie and Catherine argue a lot, but today is a good day yay! Dionne and Brian think exactly alike and are, lyke, teh best couple evah (except, you'll notice throughout the story, they really aren't compatible at all, no matter what the plot says. Like Squall and Rinoa). Nick and Lori started dating last week, Kara and Kevin are friends, and AJ and Heather are the best friends ever. All will be paired off appropriately before the story's over. Welcome to the world of five Mary Sues. Enjoy the ride.

- Everyone's bored and they want to do something. They decide to rent movies. Dionne, Lori, and Catherine all cream themselves over The Crow. Everyone whines, but they decide to rent it anyway. Everyone decides to rent a horror movie as well, despite Catherine's obvious terror of the very idea. Catherine has the psyche of a small child with reality issues, and needs better friends who won't force her to watch this shit. A bunch of not-very scary slasher flick titles get thrown around, and they settle on Friday the 13th.

- they watch the movie. AJ, Brian, and Nick decide to scare the shit out of Catherine (and everyone) using a hockey mask and ketchup. It's the most unoriginal, contrived, and transparent prank ever, but it works. Catherine assaults AJ like a crazed madwoman, and everyone gets pissed off and leaves.

- they randomly drive to Catherine's grandfather's house to help him clean out his basement. Localized cracks on West Virginia about roadkill that the Backstreet Boys would not know or find funny ensue.

- Catherine pretends to go crazy and scares AJ to get back for the ketchup stunt. The prank is just as transparent as the last one, but it's equally effective. AJ nearly shits his pants.

- Catherine's grandfather is an annoying twit who insists on the most formal English ever spoken. Obviously, he grew up during the Victorian Era. He also has some serious memory issues that are pretty indicative of Alzheimer's... and no one seems to have a problem with this. At all. This man should not be living alone.

- Howie and Catherine fight. Howie says there is nothing between them, Catherine has a cow. Surprisingly, she doesn't tackle him to the floor in a violent rage like she did AJ, especially since he kind of deserved it this time. BeCAUSe THEY LURvE EECH OTHUR!!!11

- AJ goads Kevin into admitting that he loves Kara... because, being nearly thirty, Kevin would fall for that. Kevin screams that he does to everyone--while Kara's in the room--and stalks off. Kara doesn't really have a reaction for a few chapters. AJ feels like shit.

- Kara gets sick, then gets better. She and Kevin admit their love to each other and kiss in the hall.

- Catherine and Howie sulk. Catherine decides she overreacted and takes full responsibility when he tries to apologize to her. Looking back, she had every right to be angry, but I felt she overdid it at the time and wanted them to live happily ever after, so the fight was glossed over. This is the end of the volatility in Catherine and Howie's relationship, randomly.

- Lori and Dionne fight over a perverted game of Scrabble (that, by actual adult standards, was very tame) and then make up as if nothing ever happened.

- AJ and Heather go to Spencers and find The Newlywed's Guide to Sex on the First Night. This is a bad foreshadowing technique, as well as a bad way of showing sexual tension between the two.

- Kevin and Kara go on a date. *yawn*

- a month passes randomly.

- enter Andrew and Danny... two 'dark characters from Dionne's past' (derived from Dionne's online persona--they are absolutely not real). They are drug addicts. They are assholes. They want to get Dionne back and away from Brian. They attack Nick and feed his dogs drugs. No joke.
This marks the point in the story where I lost creative control. From here on out, Dionne's the one pulling the strings; I was just writing what she told me to. Howie and Catherine, the main characters of the story, become largely secondary.

- Howie announces that he wants to propose to Catherine for no good reason. He loves her, and to hell with the fact that they used to rip each other's throats out. Looking back, I made Catherine a total bitch. Or rather, I said she was a bitch when she really had little backbone to speak of. Kind of like Yuna being so independent and freespirited in FFX-2.

- Brian and Kevin teach Kara and Dionne basketball. This is just an excuse for physical contact from an authoress who still blushed at the mention of the word "sex" (and all of the adult, sexually active characters get figety at any mention of THE ACT, especially the men. What the hell?)

- Requisite hospital visit for Nick because Andrew and Danny beat him over the head--twice. There is no mention of poison control for his doggies.

- Dionne whines and wanks about how tragic her life is because her dark past came to haunt her and almost hurt Brian. Catherine has not been mentioned for several chapters now. Whose story is this again?

- Speaking of Catherine, she shows up again long enough to have an afternoon in (and then a night out) with Howie. She has him listen to Ace of Base like it's the most romantic shit ever. He proposes. She cries and says yes. Then there's the most awkward seque into a makeout session that I've ever seen.

- Meanwhile (these scenes are spastically split), Kevin, Kara, AJ, and Heather are playing minigolf. Kevin and Kara's whole point in this story is to be there to hang out with other characters, it seems, and nothing more. AJ makes a stupid bet not to be a sore winner or loser, and instead of crying out his victory at a hole-in-one, he kisses Heather.

- Nick and Lori drop in on Brian and Dionne long enough for a tasteless Superglue joke. If Nick and Brian had any sense, they'd run away screaming, but they don't.

- AJ insists that he and Heather are merely friends, and Heather cries.

- Kara wakes Catherine up to inquire about her new ring. Catherine says that Howie proposed, and go to hell because it's too early.

- Howie and Catherine announce their engagement to a room of people who already knew. Both Howie and Catherine show major reservations at taking the step into marriage, but no one seems to find anything wrong with that. These reservations continue until the wedding day.

- random reference to a fanfiction I don't even remember reading in which Nick was a priss and Howie was gay, and something about a snake. Yeah, I'm lost too.

- AJ tells Heather to her face that he has no feelings for her, but they kiss and become a couple anyway. She needs a more desicive boyfriend--that's not interesting or romantic, that's sad.

- Four months randomly pass, and Howie and Catherine are moving into their new apartment. Catherine becomes embarrassed when a package of condoms is found by Dionne. AJ gives Howie the Newlywed Sex book. Howie, too, is embarrassed, despite the both of them being sexually active together. They are 14.

- Dionne bothers Howie for no good reason other than to learn how to say obscene things about Brian in Spanish. Howie spouts stupid shit at her instead, and she parrots this to Brian.

- Everyone comments on how much of an anxious basketcase Catherine is, a characterization that has not existed before now and will take over the rest of the story with a vengeance. Again, she needs psychiatric help.

- Brian tells the story of Catherine's grandfather walking in on Howie and Catherine doing the Deed. Ew.

- Meanwhile, Catherine and Howie are having a dinner of hot dogs and doughnuts, and tastelessly unsubtle jokes ensue. No joke. I was really that stupid.

- Oh, and Catherine can't cook. Oops.

- AJ and Heather go see The Blair Witch Project, and act like it's the scariest fucking movie ever made. Here's a clue; it's not. Also, there are awkwardly placed statements of how their relationship isn't doing very well. Well, no shit. It had the worst start-off ever. I think they hooked up for the sex... which is pathetic, because I meant for this to be a credible relationship that crumbled around itself because sometimes, just sometimes, relationships do that. Whatever.

- Kevin sleeps on Kara's couch. Just because.

- Another month passes. AJ is planning the bachelor's party.

- Catherine and Howie receive four toasters. Yes, I dedicated a WHOLE SCENE to that fact.

- Catherine bemoans her last chocolate before the wedding, presumably so that she can fit into her wedding dress. The wedding is in a month--she should have sworn off the chocolate months ago. Howie uses sex to make her feel better. Aw, how sweet.

- The one scene that I REALLY didn't want to write, and was REALLY unnecessary. It makes my soul hurt and baby Jesus cry.
OMFG DIONNE SKIPPED A PERIOD OH NOES SHE MIGHT BE PREGNANT WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO SHE NEEDS TO TAKE THE TEST WHAT IF IT'S POSITIVE THIS ISN'T FAIR THIS SHOULD HAPPEN TO BAD PEOPLE NOT US AND... oh wait, it's totally negative. No baby, and she gets her period all over Brian's bathroom. Gross, and unintentionally funny when you think about it. And really, REALLY not necessary. It does nothing for the plot, it does nothing for the characters, and it doesn't even create any dramatic tension because it's OVER within a chapter and a half. And, to be frank, I didn't want to write it--Dionne dictated it. And I wrote it. Why, I wish I knew.

- Kara and Heather play a handgame, which is both childish and a terrible plot device to drive home the fact that Heather and AJ are having PROBLEMS!!!111

- AJ is bored by himself and plays phone tag, because GOD FORBID he not be around people for five minutes. This is pathetic--AJ is 2. Terribly two.

- random reference to Rugrats via AJ. Because AJ totally watches Nicktoons. *dies*

- Dionne and Brian apologize to each other for the SCENE FROM HELL. They should apologize to me for having to write it, then read it again years later.

- Fast forward to just after the bachelor party. Howie is so drunk, he is acting like he's five. I really have no sense of age-appropriate behavior, it seems. Oh, and he ABSOLUTELY BEHAVED HIMSELF (seriously) at the bachelor party. Because men totally shun naked women dancing around them.

- Catherine forces Brian (the DD) to call her to see if Howie's okay. She's back to being a controlling bitch.

- Howie is hung over on the day of his wedding.

- Everyone goes to the church. Catherine faints, she's so damn nervous. Jesus Christ, someone notice the red flags and not let these two get married already!

- Someone gets the bright fucking idea to tell Howie that Catherine fainted. He freaks.

- AJ whines first to Howie, then to Heather about his torn jacket. Remember this, there will be a quiz later.

- Catherine is revived.

- Nick and Brian walk into the obese organist's dressing room by accident, and she proceeds to beat them both. Kevin rescues them.

- The wedding is all but skipped (so no one can yell "I OBJECT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD", I guess), and on to the reception. Yayness.

- AJ sulks, and admits to Howie that he slept with an exotic dancer, and is racked with guilt for cheating on Heather. Now for the quiz: who did he whine to about his jacket? Yeah, Heather, as if nothing was wrong at all. Bad writing and characterization all around.

(next time, don't get so damn drunk)

- Random scene of Howie being sad about his dead sister (which I won't make fun of because death isn't funny), and the reception breaks up. Catherine and Howie leave the story, and there are three more chapters to go. Mind you, they were supposed to be the main characters.

- AJ admits to Heather that he slept with a stripper. Heather, in turn, admitst that she slept with some random dood at a bar. See? THEY BOTH CHEATED, AND THAT MAKES IT OKAY! They weren't meant to be together, and now they know that because they can't keep their pants on when drunk... so they just go "okay, let's just be friends again," and go on being friends as if nothing happened. A romantic relationship between friends, ESPECIALLY one involving sex, can never just go back to friends without having to deal with certain repercussions. It's not 100% reversible.
I think it's worth noting that I didn't know "Heather" personally.

- Brian records a CD to propose to Dionne with a song from the Moffats (Canadian Hanson-esque band) and a song I've never even heard of. Yeah, she fed me this scene too. She goes to his house and accepts. Yay. Dionne and Brian FINALLY FUCKING LEAVE THE STORY! Less sarcastic yay. :)

- Howie and Catherine return, and Howie calls AJ to get the 411 on the world. AJ spills, Howie spills, all in nonspecific dialogue that I largely skipped.

- And then, the big finish:
Finally, A.J. said, “You came back to an altered world, Howie.”
After a pause, Howie answered, “You always do. Things always change. Now and forever they always will.”


And there you go. It's the worst shit ever to reach my computer files. Feel free to comment away. :)

Date: 2005-06-06 03:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
WOW! I had totally forgotten about that. But you are right. I loved it then, but in retrospect it wasnt realistic at all. Seriously, blue popcorn??? lol

Date: 2005-06-06 04:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh my god, I can't believe you remembered that without my putting it in the summary. *much props to you and a cookie*

Date: 2005-06-06 11:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
lol ty yep i remember that was my favorite part. and the popcorn thing exploded and everyone thought it was a condom. hehe

Date: 2005-06-07 12:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

I remember writing that part because there was some colored popcorn maker thing on the market at the time. But yeah, the result of THAT was realistic, at least: poke hole in popcorn tin, place it over heat, and it'll pop open.


asondeiru: (Default)

January 2012


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